It’s not like it’s a secret I ride a lot. I wear a really ugly jacket most of the year. It’s not like I’m inconspicuous. People tell me all the time “Hey, I saw you riding yesterday”. There are enough people here in Fairbanks to allow for anonymity, just so long as you’re blending in.
Evidently, I don’t do that very well.
Allow me to give you a synopsis of a conversation from tonight:
Setting the scene, there are seven people sitting around talking when the topic of bikes comes up. I mention that I ride.
Girl 1: “You ride? That’s cool. Do you know John Doe and Jim Smith?”
Me: “Yeah, those guys are faster than I am, but I ride with them on their longer rides. I tend to do endurance riding–100 miles is an average summertime afternoon.”
Girl 1: “Jesus, how long does that take?”
Me: “Depends on where we go, I guess, anywhere between 5 and 7 hours”
Girl 2: “So I heard about this guy like two years ago that did this crazy super long race. Took like 12 hours or something. Anyway, his….um, manparts went numb and he didn’t feel anything down there for like two weeks. That seems just…..bad.”
Girl 1: “ohmigod, seriously? that’s stupid!”
Me: “Heh. Is that stupid or just dedicated?”
Girl 2: “That’s stupid! I mean, like, why would he do that? How would he use it? Lame, lame, lame.”
Me: “Maybe it didn’t matter. Perhaps it was functional, but numb?”
(insert uncomfortable silence here)
Girl 2: “oh. It was you, wasn’t it?”
Girl2: “Yeah, so I’m embarrassed, now, so I’ll be backing away now.”
Girl1 gets up and goes away with Girl 2.
Guy friend that was sitting with me: “Nice move, Woods.”
Admittedly, when this happened, I had no problem telling the story. I thought it was funny. Evidently, a full two YEARS later, it’s remembered well enough to be the topic of a random conversation. I knew the feeling would come back. It took about two weeks, and I fully recovered. All systems go. (Well, honestly, it was a little disconcerting, but, whatever, the point is it wasn’t lasting damage)
So, I’ve got two nicknames in Fairbanks.
“The Chainsaw Guy”, which I earned by running a chainsaw from *inside* a brush pile. At a party. In the dark.
The other one, I guess, is “Numb Cock Guy” It’s really no fucking wonder I’m single.